I know there's millions, upon millions, of people out there who are the sole caregiver of children. But there's been too much for me personally and I'm overwhelmed: taking care of Jack, doing my engineering job thing, trying to write/update the blog this week, chauffeuring the S.O. from one appointment to the next (he's not supposed to drive with the broken hand either; luckily when he went back to work this week, a co-worker offered up carpooling, or else there'd be that to do too), and doing my volunteer job for a non-profit organization.
And I'm stubborn about the help. Friends have been great and kind with dropping off food for dinner, and my mom offered to come stay with us to help with Jack.* However, having more people around, only makes me more stressed out. It also winds Jack up when people are over, throwing off his sleep schedule. And so I've declined anything more than just food visits. I don't need a wound up toddler on top of a stressed out mommy. It's just not good combination. It's like guac and peanut butter; not good at all.
So maybe you've guessed it by now, but I'm so tired. It's not good for my body and spirit (is it good for any body?). I've had to work late on the engineering job thingy to make up for the appointments I've run the S.O to. Then I spend another hour decompressing after working, which means I go to bed way too late.
I've said it before, but I'll say it again, sleep is so important for me and fighting the R.A. Adding to the physical fatigue is Jack wanting to be held while we're out (he is refusing the stroller right now and he out grew the baby carrier) and at home (he needs to see what we're doing, like what are cooking, why are we washing dishes, etc; things that toddler parents are probably way too familiar with). My shoulder muscles, elbow and finger joints are super mad and achy at me right now.
I'm worried about my S.O. healing and him feeling better soon (he's in some serious pain right now), and my son's feelings over not being held by daddy (seriously, daddy is his favorite and to not be held by the favorite parent, it's heartbreaking to him). This worry only makes me sleep worse.
Long story short, the stress and lack of sleep has made me mean, and I've yelled once or twice at the child and the husband, and I'm disappointed in myself (#metoo). I'm over extended. I need a break. I need the S.O. better now to shift some of the caregiver work. I need to say no more to the volunteer organization. I need to put myself to bed earlier. I need a glass of wine. I know you've all been there.
There is hope. The S.O. is slowly getting better, and in less than a month, I'm going to a conference, where I'll get the me time and time away from my many jobs. So there is hope in not feeling this way forever. I want you to know that. These feelings are temporary, and I know my stress levels will go down. Shoot, just writing down these feelings makes me better.
Plus, after Jack goes to bed tonight, I'm going to do yoga or cycling or watch some ridiculous, cheesy 80s movie. Good old 80s movies, always there for me. So how do you deal when life throws you a curve ball? Hopefully more constructively than watching cheesy 80s movies. Take care friends.
*A really big THANK YOU to all of our friends and family who have helped during this trying time! If you need a supportive network, while, you can't have mine. I'm selfish like that. :P
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