From the start I was a low producer, meaning that on a good day, I made 5 ounces of breast milk for baby Jack. Jack consumed at least twice that in the earlier days, and I think 5 times that by the time I hung up my breastfeeding hat. So I supplemented with formula, and no way do I feel guilty about my baby being feed formula because he was being feed. Period. That is what is important. But for the first 3 month (aka maternity leave), I did feed him what breast milk I had mostly by boob.
And I remember how stiff and locked up my hand and elbow joints would get. Since I didn't produce much milk, feeding sessions would be close to an hour. And it was painful. So I'd switch sides every 10-15 minutes or sit him down and pick him back up. I had suspicions within a month or two that my RA was flaring again. It was confirmed when I had a check up with my primary care doctor four months after Jack was born.
My primary care doctor recommend a couple of different things, and I did a follow up with my rheumatologist. The rheumatologist recommended that I go back on Plaquenil for the RA. I had stopped taking the medicine during pregnancy with guidance from my rheumatologist. She didn't want to risk any side effects during pregnancy, as well as all my RA numbers were looking good. I was most likely in remission during pregnancy, which does not always happen to pregnant RA patients. But now that I was having a flare, it was time to go back on Plaquenil.
Again, with guidance from my rheumatologist and Jack's pediatrician, I started the medication. It was middle of the road safe for breastfeeding mothers. At the same time, I was back at work, so I (and Bobby) had switched full time to bottles with Jack (he had them off/on previous). I remember one week into being back at work (and Jack receiving bottles full time at daycare) that I might try breastfeeding Jack for nostalgia purposes. Jack was not having it, and I ended up giving him a bottle.
But I was pumping at work, which is it's own beast. Again, the breast milk I pumped wasn't much, but I was still proud of the fact that I was providing a little breast milk among the formula that Jack was receiving. I'd also wake up in the middle of the night, even though Jack now mostly slept through the night, to pump. Those 3 ounces counted towards the total, no way would I miss that! However, the lack of sleep was definitely not helping the RA nor was it making me a happy mom. I was not the best version of myself on the little sleep I was getting (it was hard to fall back asleep after pumping a half hour at 3 am, and since I couldn't fall back asleep, I'd stay up reading or checking emails/social media).
I don't even remember much between months 3 and 9 of Jack's life, since I was a walking, breast milk pumping zombie whose joints ached so much. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my time with Jack (and figuring out parenthood with Bobby), but I can't really remember what I did at work or conversations I'd have with Bobby. I was in desperate need of Ibfropen and rest/sleep, but I wasn't ready to admit to myself that it was time to retire from breastfeeding. According to society, I'd be a horrible mother and fail Jack if I didn't make it a whole year breastfeeding.
Then Jack got his first stomach virus at nine months, which is really scary when they're ity bity babies, but of course it all turned out fine (virus went away and Jack started eating again). But since Jack didn't seem to be keeping any milk or pureed foods down, Bobby and I were in full on parent worry, red alert mood. So much so, that while Jack was sick, I forgot to pump. Once Jack was doing a little better, I put the pump supplies on and started the device up. Nothing came out. I waited a full 10 minutes before quitting. I was like, no big deal I'll try again later, and I did try again yith the same results; nothing came out. So that was that. At nine months, I was done providing breast milk to my baby.
Yet, it was a blessing in disguise. I started sleeping 8 hours straight through the night (no waking up at 3 am) , and I started taking NSAIDs again (bless you Ibfropen). I also felt relief that Jack wasn't getting diluted Plaqunil anymore (although the doctors gave their blessing for me to use that medication). Yes, at first I was very conflicted-- I'm supposed to provide nutrients for a whole year to my baby. However, because of the extra rest/sleep and more free time (now that I wasn't pumping), I felt so much better and happier. I hadn't realized how awful I had felt. But now I had a little more spring in my steps, and I was able to fully enjoy family time. I was enjoying life more.
In summary, I feel like I got this unique experience of both sides-- the breastfeeding mom and the formula feeding parent. I can empathize with both sides, and that I personally don't see breastfeeding as only one sided. Before judging anyone on whether they choose to breastfeed or not, remember that they could be a RA mom who doesn't produce much and struggles to hold baby for a long time due to joint stiffness. So let's support the parents who don't breastfeed, as well as the moms who nipple feed until 5+ years, and everything in between. Because damn it, parenting is hard enough without judgement, so let's support each in our breastfeeding decisions. Fed is fed! To breastfeeding and to formula feeding!
