Being fatigued isn't something new for me. It kind of comes with the autoimmune disease territory. But the fatigue makes me feel super guilty. See when I take a 2.5 hour nap late on a Friday afternoon that means Bobby will be picking up Jack from daycare. And Bobby already does drop off because me and mornings do not get along.
So for the past month (probably even longer), Bobby's been dropping off and picking up. He's also made dinner and played with Jack every night. Bobby is the primary parent. And it makes me feel guilty. I'm the mom, so I'm supposed to be the primary parent. Isn't that what society tells us? So by society standards I'm a horrible mom because I'm not the primary parents.
But mostly I don't care what society thinks. Society can go nag other people (cough, cough, may I suggest the current president? I think he could use a little more nagging). I don't judge my parenting abilities by an outdated patriarch; in fact, I stopped judging myself by the patriarch some time ago.
However, the guilt I feel comes from Jack asking me to play with him or help him with something, and I have to tell him I'm too tired to do so. It also comes from guilt when I don't communicate with Bobby how I'm really feeling, and he stresses out about picking up Jack because he hasn't heard from me (either cause I'm napping or I'm sleeping with my eyes open, watching TV and not hearing my phone).
It's Jack and Bobby's opinions and feelings that matter most to me, and I know I've disappointment them both a little recently. Jack thankfully recovers quickly, meaning he's moved on to the next toy or activity, forgetting I've told him I can't play, and Bobby is really good at communicating his needs (that he needs me to call him!) and of being supportive of what my body needs (a two hour nap!). I'm a lucky mom.
So my resolution to feeling less guilty about my fatigue, which limits my abilities and what I can do as a parent, is to communicate better with Bobby about how I'm feeling. To be honest, and call him or text him at 3pm or 4pm that I am tired and probably going to take a 2 hour nap, can he get Jack please? And then to find ways to interact with Jack that are low key and on the couch: watching a movie together, reading books, coloring, playing quite games, and so on.
Being a parent can be tough at times (perhaps even many times), but having an autoimmune disease on top of parenting can add an extra layer to difficulties of parenthood. That's something we don't often talk about, the difficulties of parenthood. We talk about the joys, but there's often difficulties too. But maybe that's why we talk about the joys more often. Because when we come out of the difficult times, the joys and triumphs of parenthood are so much sweeter that bitters pale in comparison.
I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I know soon enough I'll have more energy (been working with my doctor on plan to have more energy), and that this guilt I have of not being the primary parent, of feeling inadequate, will all be forgotten. Well, I wrote it down, so I guess I'll have a reminder somewhere, haha. But I know the difficult time will pass and mostly be a faint memory, and I'll be having too much fun and joy to dwell on the guilt. May we all have selective memories of joy when we look back on the journey of parenthood. All the best. Now please excuse me, I need to go take a nap.
