3/29/19- Pug

Last Friday our sweet, old pug Chap's crossed the rainbow bridge.  Passing of a pet is never easy, and this time felt extra hard having to explain it to Jack.  We knew it was coming. Chaps was 15 and had been struggling with his arthritis and getting up off the floor since November.  We weren't even sure he'd make it to Christmas, but thankfully he celebrated another Christmas with us.

The past few months have been hard for me; I've been very sad, in a funk, depressed watching Chaps rapidly age.  Thankfully Jack was blissfully unaware of Chaps' health issues and treated Chaps with the same love and gusto as he did for younger Chaps.  Margaret Renkl wrote a beautiful essay on "The Pain of Loving Old Dogs," and Chaps, like her Clark, keep exceeding his life expectancy that you get this crazy idea in your head that your pet is going to out live you. Jack, and Bobby and I too, thought Chaps would be around for many more years.

But then the inevitable happens, the dog starts to lose all bladder and bowel control, and you know it's time to say goodbye.  Saying goodbye to your beloved pet is hard, but then having to explain to your four old that the dog is dying, well that was one of the worst talks of my life (worse than when my mom tried to talk to me about birth control).  And you have to be direct with a four year old.  You can't say the dog is sick and the dog is going to sleep, because then the four year old might think that if they get sick or go to sleep that they're going to die. 

After we explained death and Chaps dying to Jack, he did seem to grasp that it meant Chaps won't be living in our house anymore.  And just when you think your child is at peace, Jack will ask where Chaps is or cry that he wants to pugs (our other dog isn't a pug, but I guess we use the term pug so much that he must think all dogs are pugs).  We have a nice framed photo of Chaps at age 6, with his goofy tongue hanging out, and now it's in Jack's room so that Jack knows Chaps is always with him (us) in memory.

For Bobby and I, it's the memories of having a pug stand between you and the cabinets as you cook or prepare food, knowing that if you drop food, you'll actually have to clean it up since there's no longer a pug to immediately in hale it (the other dog doesn't really care if bacon is frying up in the pan; she's odd, but love her anyway).  It's not have a pug stick his nose into the bathroom while you brush your teeth and then again wedge himself in between you and a cabinet.  In hopes of toothpaste falling, I guess?  Or laying on your foot while you watch a baking show, and the foot starts to numb, but for some silly reason you don't want to move it, because distributing the pug seems rude. 

No more pug to scatter Legos everywhere as he defiantly charges through the toys.  No more pug to push the sneeze button.  No more pug to embarrass you in front of friends and family as he's getting too friendly with someone's leg. No more pug to wonder into the garage and get stuck out there cause you didn't notice that he followed you.  No more pug to trip you as you stumble down the hallway to feed him.  No more pug to make your pillow, to hug and hold when your sad or happy. 

I miss him terribly, and I know Bobby and Jack do too. I've owned a quite a few pets now in my life, but I think Chaps was the kindest, sweetest pet I've ever had.  We love you so much Chaps, and you leave us so many funny and happy memories. We hope after crossing the rainbow bridge, that you're getting all the treats and cuddles you desire.  Peace be with you sweet pug.

2/16/19- Parent Confession 5

Yesterday I took a two hour nap.  Actually maybe it was 2.5 hours.  I didn't set out to nap that long, but I forgot to set an alarm.  Actually I didn't think I'd need an alarm.  But that's kind of been the story for the past month.  I've been really tired.  One might even say fatigued.

Being fatigued isn't something new for me.  It kind of comes with the autoimmune disease territory.  But the fatigue makes me feel super guilty.  See when I take a 2.5 hour nap late on a Friday afternoon that means Bobby will be picking up Jack from daycare.  And Bobby already does drop off because me and mornings do not get along.

So for the past month (probably even longer), Bobby's been dropping off and picking up.  He's also made dinner and played with Jack every night.  Bobby is the primary parent.  And it makes me feel guilty.  I'm the mom, so I'm supposed to be the primary parent.  Isn't that what society tells us?  So by society standards I'm a horrible mom because I'm not the primary parents.

But mostly I don't care what society thinks.  Society can go nag other people (cough, cough, may I suggest the current president? I think he could use a little more nagging).  I don't judge my parenting abilities by an outdated patriarch; in fact, I stopped judging myself by the patriarch some time ago.

However, the guilt I feel comes from Jack asking me to play with him or help him with something, and I have to tell him I'm too tired to do so.  It also comes from guilt when I don't communicate with Bobby how I'm really feeling, and he stresses out about picking up Jack because he hasn't heard from me (either cause I'm napping or I'm sleeping  with my eyes open, watching TV and not hearing my phone).

It's Jack and Bobby's opinions and feelings that matter most to me, and I know I've disappointment them both a little recently.  Jack thankfully recovers quickly, meaning he's moved on to the next toy or activity, forgetting I've told him I can't play, and Bobby is really good at communicating his needs (that he needs me to call him!) and of being supportive of what my body needs (a two hour nap!). I'm a lucky mom.

So my resolution to feeling less guilty about my fatigue, which limits my abilities and what I can do as a parent, is to communicate better with Bobby about how I'm feeling.  To be honest, and call him or text him at 3pm or 4pm that I am tired and probably going to take a 2 hour nap, can he get Jack please?  And then to find ways to interact with Jack that are low key and on the couch: watching a movie together, reading books, coloring, playing quite games, and so on.

Being a parent can be tough at times (perhaps even many times), but having an autoimmune disease on top of parenting can add an extra layer to difficulties of parenthood.  That's something we don't often talk about, the difficulties of parenthood.  We talk about the joys, but there's often difficulties too.  But maybe that's why we talk about the joys more often.  Because when we come out of the difficult times, the joys and triumphs of parenthood are so much sweeter that bitters pale in comparison.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I know soon enough I'll have more energy (been working with my doctor on plan to have more energy), and that this guilt I have of not being the primary parent, of feeling inadequate, will all be forgotten.  Well, I wrote it down, so I guess I'll have a reminder somewhere, haha.  But I know the difficult time will pass and mostly be a faint memory, and I'll be having too much fun and joy to dwell on the guilt.  May we all have selective memories of joy when we look back on the journey of parenthood.  All the best.  Now please excuse me, I need to go take a nap.

1/22/19- Happy 2019!

2019 has been off to a great and yucky start for me.  Bobby, Jack and I went to Legoland the first week of 2019, and while we had a very fun time, Bobby and I both fought off of colds.  Then this past Sunday, I went to bed by 8:30 am and woke up Monday morning with aches, a minor sore throat and some congestion.  So I have another yet another cold (maybe the first cold never fully went away?).  But there's been lots of good time too-- launching rockets, building Lego sets, hanging with friends and family, and judging Future City regional competition.  Maybe I have a reoccurring cold because I'm having such non-stop fun.

And as much as I enjoy all the fun, I've felt pulled into many directions.  Like trying to keep up writing new posts for both blogs, making sure I don't fall behind at my day job, writing new books, trying to volunteer for STEM outreach events and answering every school request that comes my way and of course being mom and wife.  It just feels like too much.  I need naps.  So here's my 2019 New Year's Resolution-- do less.

Yep, I know it just sounds like I'm becoming a slacker, and you're right I am.  I just don't care if you think I'm a slacker.  I've very comfortable with being a slacker. For me, tt's nice to do less.  It makes one less stressed and worried. Leaves rooms for more naps.  And it means I'll actually be enjoying the moments with Jack instead thinking about all these work or volunteering I have to do. One of my favorite quotes is from the wise Ferris Buller, "life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."  So if you invite me to something this year, and I politely decline, it's not because I don't like you, but it's because I'm trying to achieve my New Year's Resolution of do less; I don't want to miss life.

What's your New Year's Resolution?  Whatever it is, I wish you a very happy 2019!



via GIPHY

12/28/18- Lucky Thirteen

December marks 13 years of dating for Bobby and I.  And November marked 12 years with our pug Chaps.  When Bobby and I were planning our wedding in 2007 (2008?), we made a wedding website, and on it we talked about our fur babies.  Hope you enjoy the pug's origin story (and haha, if we had only known what having human kids and fur kids at the same time would be like, and of course we love our "mixed" family very much)!  Here's to another 13 years!

*Bobby's Side*
Ok, let's get this straight right off the bat - Suzanna and I don't have any kids. We're not even close to ready for them.

However, we do have three amazing and wonderful dogs, but it wasn't always that way. There hasn't always been three and they haven't always been amazing or wonderful.

When Suzanna and I started dating, she had a dog. His name is Bear. Now Bear is a bear of a pomeranian. Yep, that's right one big little dog. He's nearly 30 lbs and at the top of his head he's knee high (check the photo).

After we bought the house, we started talking seriously about getting another dog. In fact, a few months before we bought the house, we had found a great "little" Bernese Mountain Dog. I grew so attached, I named her Charlie. But we never took Charlie home, and it turns out this may have been a good thing.

For nearly the entire time that we had been dating, Suzanna had been talking of a trip to Atlanta to visit her aunt and then roll up to the Carolina's to visit one of her best friends. She has always spoken very highly of all of her aunts, but she was excited to go and visit her Aunt Kay because Kay always wanted her to visit and she thought Kay would love me.

As life sometimes goes, we never managed to make that trip. Much to our extreme regrets, Kay passed away shortly before Thanksgiving of 2006. But she left behind two very special guys just for us. I'll never forget going to the airport and fetching these two scared little dogs - a pug and a shih-tzu - who had just taken a flight across country at a time that was also very hectic to them.

At first Gomez (the shih-tzu with surprisingly a very fitting name) and Chaps (the pug) struggled to adjust. They lost any house training they had gained and seemed depressed and standoffish, much as you would expect foster children to be. But after awhile, they began to accept their surroundings. They took almost instantly to Suzanna (probably because she looked so much like Kay) and eventually took to me too.

Now, despite every family's moments of frustration, the five of us have formed a wonderful tight-knit family. I would like to think that if Kay were looking in on us from time to time she'd be so happy to see how well her boys have adjusted to life here in Arizona.

*Suzanna's Side*
Haha, I think most people that know us, know that the dogs are our kids. We're not at that place in our life to have human kids.

I was totally nervous to have Bobby meet Bear because Bear doesn't like strangers. He barks and barks and barks at them, which isn't neccessarily a bad thing when you're a single girl living by yourself. Bobby wanted to see/meet Bear the first date, but I waited to do that introduction. The time came, and even though Bear barked and barked and barked, a few hours later, Bear was licking Bobby. I think after I had Bobby feed and walk Bear one day when I had to work late, that Bear was forever Bobby's dog too. I'm sure Bear enjoyed his one on one time that he had with Bobby and I, but I think Bear likes having someone to boss around (he totally tries to wrangle Chaps, kinda funny if you ask me) and be with him while we're at work.

Bobby already shared the heart breaking and heart warming story of how we got our other two dogs, but I will also never forget going to cargo wing of delta to pick up one pug and one shih-tzu, shaking, whinning, and scared in their crates. My heart melted in that one single moment. Chaps and Gomez have two distinct personalities, and we are so happy to have them as part of our family. I think Kay would be happy too. We love all 3 of our dogs very much.

12/19/18- It's a Wonderful Life (Mostly)

I was watching the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" the other day (which made me realize that I can't choose just one favorite Christmas movie, so don't ask), and that movie reminded me of everything I have to be grateful for this year and well all of my life. So without much ado, here's my list of things I'm grateful for in 2018:

1) Jack and Bobby
2) The rest of my family and my friends-- so many of you supported me and my book this year, thank you, thank you, thank you!
3) My second book, Annie Aardvark: Adding Ants, came out this year!
4) A successful Kickstarter for Annie Aardvark: Adding Ants!
5) Attended the Beth McDonald's Woman of the Year Awards (I was a nominee)!
6) Launched a new blog, STEM Spark (born out of consultation with the Crafty Chica)
7) Went to Legoland-- friends let us tag along on their vacation and our kids had a good time together (and even though I needed lots of rest and sleep and Jack was sick to his tummy, our friends were understanding about the naps required)
8) Bobby and I did a stay-cation for our anniversary, the hotel stay was part of my prize for Beth McDonald's Woman of the Year Awards
9) My mom went through some health problems, but is doing a little bit better and my dad is turning 90 in a week (and doing pretty darn good)!
10) Attended 2 great STEM conferences this year
11) Jack's 4th birthday party; so many 4 year olds, but he enjoyed it and so happy we celebrated another year of him driving us nuts!
12) Got another year with our pug
13) Won some books
14) Rode the Polar Express Train
15) Jack's 1st Dance Recital
16) Started a steroid a couple of weeks ago to help with energy, and I think it's helping some. Also started a new med that should hopefully reduce my CRP levels.
17) Having a paying job that makes a positive contribution to the world.
18) Highlights Magazine bought a story from me!
19) A happy Thanksgiving with my in-laws
20) The sunny weather in Phoenix right now
21) Reese's Peanut Butter cups (and if I'm honest, tons of other sweets too) and Tea
22) Science/math jokes and puns
23) Graphic tees and funny coffee mugs
24) Fun purchases from Target
25) USPS Click and Ship, as well as online ordering and shipping right to my door

Happy Holidays to everyone, and may your 2019 bring you many things to be grateful for!  As for me, it's a pretty decent to mildly great to wonderful (depends on my mood for the day, haha) life!  Cheers!

12/6/18- Family's Heart (For the 8th Annual Holiday Contest)

So I've always wanted to write picture book involving US Coast Guard search and rescue, since I work at a company that designed, built, and now maintains the search and rescue system, as well as a holiday/Christmas story.  Well, Susannah Hill's Eighth Annual Holiday Contest has provided me the opportunity to put both ideas into one story. The story was also inspired by true events I heard on the radio a while ago.  While listening to the sad story (it thankfully ended well), I couldn't help but feel pride for the system I work on.  People get saved by this system, ya know?  Sharking tears after hearing stories about boaters being rescued by the Coast Guard...

So, the story for this contest has to be 250 words or less, so I had to cut some boat and search and rescue details out of it. Therefore, apologies to all the sailors in the world for botching some the technicalities of sailing; I hope you at least find the story entertaining despite technical issues. 😊  There's also a theme with the contest-- it has to be about a holiday hero!  So because of my work, real life heros that come to mind are Coast Guard rescuers, and I sincerely thank them for all that they do.  Thank you! But for this contest, I wanted to add another layer of who the holiday hero, and now that I'm done explaining and rambling (I'm probably just taking you away from the story this point, d'oh), I present the actual story.  I hope you enjoy Family's Heart.

Family's Heart

“Merry Christmas! Did Santa come?” Sara asked.  Cracking a smile, Dad said, “Christmas is tomorrow.” “Oh!… Merry Christmas Eve!” Sara grinned.  “Go check on your brother for me.  I have to assist Mom with the engine,” Dad said.  Sara scampered down below.

“Nate, wake up!” Sara declared.  Nate didn’t stir.  Sara scooted closer. Jabbing him, she said, “lazy, get up!”  Nothing.  Sara bit her lip.  She poked his cheek and was met with hotness.  “Mom, Dad!  Something’s wrong with Nate!” Sara shouted.

She heard scurrying above, and in a flash her parents appeared. “Tom, he’s burning up.  And with the loss of power, we should radio for help,” Mom stressed.

Dad sprinted to the radio; Sara trailing behind.  “Mayday! It’s Family’s Heart! We need medical support!”  But Sara cut him off.  “Dad, is that water?” Sara pointed.  Dad’s face fell.  “Mayday, we’re taking on water!”  Dad said, simultaneously pushing the DSC button.

After long crackles, a voice answered, “This is the Coast Guard. We have your coordinates.”

“Sara, go tell Mom we have to abandon ship,” Dad stated, tears welling up.   Sara flew like a reindeer, grabbing all that was important.

From the deck of USS Vandergrift, the Jones watched as their home was swallowed up. “We’ve lost everything,” Dad lamented, squeezing an alert Nate (thanks to antibiotics administrated by the rescuers).  “Not everything,” Sara whispered.  She pulled out a photo. It was the Jones on Family’s Heart. Dad gasped, and Mom pulled everyone tight.  “Merry Christmas,” Sara said. 

11/29/18- Parent Confession 4

Alright this one is a parent confession that I feel a little conflicted about-- we use Santa to encourage good choices and behavior from our son.  On the one hand, our son has always been reward centered, so encouraging him to make good choices for a visit from Santa is more effective than a time out for making a bad choice.  But on the other hand, I don't want him to think he's a bad kid when he makes a bad choice. All kids are good even when they don't make the best choices.  I believe that truly.  So I worry that my son will think he's bad when we tell him Santa won't come. Of course, we'd never not have Santa visit our house, but I still worry about Jack receiving a confusing message about Santa. 

I know some parents see Santa as lying to their kids, and I respect that. However, for me personally, I've always been a sucker for magic and hope, which is what I think Santa embodies.  Thus, I have no qualms about telling Jack about Santa-- I want him to believe in magic and hope and miracles and all the good stuff in the world.  Even when he discovers the truth about Santa, I hope (there's that word again) that he'll still believe.  I still believe in Santa and the magic Santa brings this time of year, and so I think it's important to share in the tradition of Santa that I was taught (as a kid) with my own kid. 

One tradition I didn't have with Santa and Christmas when I was a kid is the Elf on the Shelf.  Here's part 2 of the confession: I really dislike the Elf on the Shelf.  Yep, I said it out loud.  I could do without the Elf.  Although I love what Jack has named his Elf, Pizza!, the Elf is there to basically tattle tale on my kid.  I mean again, Pizza's presence is encouraging good behavior and choices, so I guess that the tattle taling isn't what I'm really annoyed with.  The part I'm most annoyed with is the tradition of having to move that sharking Elf every night.  Like I barely remember to shower some days, how am I supposed to remember to move that sharking Elf every night?!  So my solution is that Pizza just loves candy so much that he (she?) can't take themselves away from the candy bowl.  Yeah, that's it.

So there. That's my parent confession(s).  I harbor ill feelings towards the Elf on the Shelf (my husband wanted to do it, and sometimes you make compromises in relationships, haha), and well I definitely believe in sharing the tradition of Santa and the magic Santa creates this time of year, I do worry a little that our kid may get mixed messages about being a good kid vs. making good choices (there's a difference).  I try very hard to never say you're a bad kid, but you're making a bad choice/bad behavior, so we'll see how this all turns out in 20 something years.  Can't wait to see if Jack talks about Santa and how he tried to be a good kid and self worth and all that with his therapist.  Ha!

Alright, tell me in the comments your thoughts on the Elf on the Shelf and Santa and parenting in the comments below, and I hope everyone has a Merry Happy Christmas Holidays!